I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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