Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
