I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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