i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
