I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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