he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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