So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
