My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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