I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
