Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
