The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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