Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
