it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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