New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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