Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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