1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
i believe in u and ur pee
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
