capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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