Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
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Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
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Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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