is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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