i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
