I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
