im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
