No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Randomize
