I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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