Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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