I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
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im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
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I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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