I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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