I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
