drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
