Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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