Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
