Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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