i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
