i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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