one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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