I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
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