I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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