I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
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I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
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Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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