how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
