You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
