yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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