Cold hands, warm shart.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
