"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
why is half of my head shaved?
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