Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
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In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
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He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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