The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Drunk is a universal language darling
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
