I cannot find my penis.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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