Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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