At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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