I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
