He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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