My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
