I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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