you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
