I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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