This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
