hotel room ftw
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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