She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
