I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
